7 Reasons America Hates Captain America

7-Reasons-America-Hates-Captain-America

Captain America, the Sentinel of Liberty, the Star Spangled Avenger, would do anything to keep the people safe. He walked up to Hitler and punched him right in his face! He jumped out of a plane without a parachute! He starred in a Broadway Show!

 

captain-america-broadway

“When Captain America SINGS his mighty shield – wait, what?”

Well, that almost happened. (And if the Spider-Man musical hadn’t lost so much money, I guarantee you this idea would be all over the rumor mill.) That point is, Cap would have done it for the good of all!  Steve Rogers is honest, brave and he’s always there to protect us – and in return, we spit in his face. Here are seven reasons America hates Captain America.

cap-for-president
They tried to make him run for president
In issue 250 of volume 1, Captain America is asked to run for President by a third-party. He initially declines but finally agrees to at least think it over. This’ll go well…

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Anytime you’re approached by a man with a cigar, RUN THE OTHER WAY!

Of course, the press immediately reports that Cap IS running for President and Steve gets all sorts of advice from friends who think it’s a great idea and fellow Avengers whose opinions range from “You’ll definitely carry the mutant vote,” (Beast) “People can trust you,” (Wasp) “You’ll get tangled in red tape,” (Iron Man) and “You’re in no way qualified.” This last bit is from the Vision – only the artificial life form points out that Cap may or may not have a high school education and has no experience holding public office. These tidbits slipped by billionaire genius inventor Tony Stark. But Generally, the people want Cap to be President…

…aaaand when he doesn’t give the public their way (for valid reasons that he clearly articulates), they get all pissy and just throw all their stuff on the ground and leave.

CaptainAmerica250vol1p17

“Thanks for nothing, Cap! What? He saved us from who? What’s a Nazi? Fine, he saved the world from fascism, but what has he done LATELY? Oh, he stopped a terrorist plot to blow up a convention center IN THIS VERY ISSUE? …Meh.”

captain-america-ultimates-president

Why’s he tilting his head back like that? Does Cap have a bloody nose?

 

They made him president
Ugh, this is hard to explain, but here goes. See, Marvel comics has two universes: regular and “ultimate.” And by “ultimate” they mean “stupid,” because in this universe, they made Captain America president. There’s a second Civil War going on and Cap becomes a write-in candidate… This is got to be the dumbest thing that has ever happened in a comic book. (Spider-Pig notwithstanding, and at least that’s funny.) Look how embarrassing this is! The artist couldn’t even take it seriously – look how bad Cap’s face is articulated. He looks like HE’S TAKING A DUMP!

How do you mess up drawing someone standing still so badly when you job is to drawing stuff?

captain-america-ultimates-president-oath-of-office

That should read, “I – rrrrrr- Steve Rogers – rrrrr – I’ve got to cut corn out of my diet – rrrrrrrrr – Captain America…”

 

The Army gave him back pay… and then the IRS severely audited him
See… ugh, this is dumb… after Cap disappeared during World War II, they never declared him dead and the army finally caught up with him and handed him a huge check that he very plainly said no to. Of course, they made him take the money, and, being a good man who really only cares about helping people, he used the money to create a Captain America Hotline so if people were in trouble, they could call in, leave a message and the info would get sent to him by his team of hackers. This meant buying equipment, renting space for a data center… logistics! (Comics are FUN!) Oh, and he bought his volunteers these jackets.

riddley-hiram-captain-america-volume-1

Yeah. Radical. Actually, who am I kidding? This jacket would sell for $75 a pop now.

So, instead of retiring and buying a yacht, he used his windfall to help people… and they government stuck it up Steve’s star-spangled bunghole for his trouble. And you have to wonder what sort of person wants, “I audited Captain America” on their resume. That’s akin to “I hit Santa with a baseball bat after he finished putting the presents under the tree.”

Captain-America-Death-Marvel-Comics-fallen-son

Cap got shot while in custody and  handcuffed, with dozens of cops looking on
Look, death and coming back to life is a totally normal thing in the comics. When they did it with Cap, it seemed like a good story point… until they brought him back to life. But that’s a story for another day, the point that’s pertinent to this discussion is that Steve Rogers turned himself in when he realized that though he had the moral high ground in his stupid fight with Iron Man over registering people super powers, he wasn’t doing the right thing by fighting in the streets and defying the law. And when they marched him in for arrangement, BANG! Shot in the back by a sniper and then again by SOMEONE STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. There’s a cop literally holding him in this pic. That’s how close the cop was to the shooter, and he still couldn’t do anything to prevent it, never mind catch the assailant. How’s that for a reward for a lifetime of service?

Steve Rogers quit being Captain America 3 times
OK, this one’s on you, Steve.

Steve Rogers decides that after a high-ranking government official is revealed to also be the leader of the evil Secret Empire (they allude it’s President Nixon… which makes sense), he decides can’t wear the stars and stripes anymore. So, he gives them up and forges a new identity, complete with a cape – that he trips over.

cap-nomad-steve-rogers

Seriously.

Anyway, Steve goes back to being Cap after only three issues.

Later, when the government wants him to return to a more army-ish World War II “Do what we say when we say it” role, Rogers refuses and quits. This time it takes 18 issues to get Steve back in his red, white and blue duds.

But like an abused spouse, he keeps coming back…

In the last few years, Steve’s super soldier serum (the thing that gives him his super power of never having to work out) stops working (or is deactivated or whatever it was – Marvel has pulled this trick so many times, I’ve lost count), Steve physically can’t be Captain America anymore, so, his buddy The Falcon takes over. The bit about The Falcon is fine, but having Steve shrink down and into an old man is as pathetic as it sounds. Also, they just did the whole “Steve Rogers isn’t Captain America anymore” thing a few years ago when Steve came back from the dead!

captain-america-vol1-260
They put Cap in prison just to see if he could break out.
I’m sorry, but why would you put the most valuable soldier in the history of EVER into a prison with no protection, no support and not even his signature shield just to see if he, who is built to the peak of human perfection, can escape a prison built for normal human beings? That’s just rude.

Captain America – the 1990 movie

This has got to be the worst super hero movie ever. Watch it – go ahead. I’ll wait.

Looooooooooook hooooooooooow baaaaaaaaaaad this is. This movie was in production at the same time as 1989’s Batman, right? I don’t understand how they f-cked it up this bad. Yeah, I appreciate they didn’t have $48 million dollars, Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson and Kim Basinger, but COME ON! THIS IS EMBARRASSING! How did they not notice the costume looked terrible, the script was boring, all Cap does is steal people’s cars, and OH, THE LEAD ACTOR CAN’T ACT!!!

It all comes down to the pivotal scene where he saves the president:

captain-america-1990-movie

“Mr. President – thanks. (For embarrassing me with this movie!)”

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